im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
