Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
FUCK WHALES
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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