True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm passing your future prison.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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