I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
