I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
