woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
