I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
