oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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