If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
