Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
