I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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