Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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