I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
