Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
