If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
