i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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