I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
