my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
