Barsexuality is the new black.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
