i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
