You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
