I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
