I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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