Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
