Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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