Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
