Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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