Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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