Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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