im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
