4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
