508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Randomize
