I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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