I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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