i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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