but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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