I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
