you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
