so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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