just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Randomize
