so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
