Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
