On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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