It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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