Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found a bag of teeth...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
