I'm really into asian looking animals
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
