it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
