this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
