Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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