literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
