But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
