can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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