my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
