there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
