my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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